Trump Says Renaming New Mexico Will Make People Richer

Same roof, same paycheck, but the crawl space has been liberated.

Donald Trump has found the problem with New Mexico’s economy: too much Mexico in the name.

On Monday, he renewed his demand that the state become New America, explaining on Truth Social that the change would raise property values and incomes. “Home Values and Incomes would rise,” he wrote, which must be devastating news for every economist who spent six years in graduate school when the answer was apparently in the font menu.

Imagine calling your boss to ask about a raise and discovering that payroll is waiting for Albuquerque to finish updating its letterhead. There you were, improving your skills, putting in extra hours, perhaps considering unionizing, when you could have simply lived somewhere with a more arousing name. Your employer wanted to pay you more. He really did. But every time he opened your personnel file, there it was: Mexico. His hands were tied.

This is what happens when a country hires a man whose answer to every structural problem is to ask whether we’ve tried putting different letters on the building.

I would like to test the theory immediately. My mortgage shall henceforth be known as Paid Off. I will notify the bank that the situation has been resolved, and if they insist on discussing the outstanding balance, I will accuse them of refusing to recognize American greatness. The grocery bill is now Patriotic Abundance. Please admire the prosperity while I put the cheese back.

There is something almost touching about the idea that the United States has been carrying an entire state around for more than a century and the president has only just spotted the error. Imagine him staring at a map, slowly lowering his Diet Coke, realizing that Mexico has apparently been inside the house this whole time. Next to Arizona. Bold as brass.

New Mexico’s name dates to the sixteenth century, before the United States existed. This presents a challenge for a man who appears to believe history begins when he enters the room and anything earlier is an unlicensed prequel. You can’t expect him to absorb several centuries of regional history when there is a perfectly good marker within reach.

And what an extraordinary economic program this opens up. For generations, politicians have argued over wages, housing, investment, and education. All that time, the country’s untapped wealth was trapped behind a series of insufficiently patriotic nouns.

Under this theory, a plumber in Santa Fe wakes up in New America to discover that his salary has doubled overnight. His boss is equally surprised. The business has no additional revenue, but the map has become so American that the accountant can only stand there saluting while QuickBooks bursts into flames.

The property claims are especially delightful. Imagine the real estate listing: same roof, same foundation, same alarming noise behind the water heater, but now located in a state whose name has been personally approved by a man shouting at an atlas. Add eighty thousand dollars. The crawl space has been liberated.

Trump also suggested the name change might improve the state’s elections, attaching another unsupported election allegation to his promise of prosperity. Naturally. Once the signs are replaced, the ballots will straighten up. Somewhere in a county elections office, a voting machine will see the new stationery and whisper, “I can’t keep doing this. We’re America now.”

I’m becoming concerned about the rest of the map. New Jersey should be sleeping with one eye open. New Hampshire needs to get its story straight. New York may think it’s safe because he’s familiar with it, but familiarity has never prevented Donald Trump from making something considerably worse.

And then there’s New England, an entire region sitting there with six states’ worth of suspicious branding. Imagine the emergency meeting when someone tells him about French toast. The breakfast briefing alone could consume the National Guard. This is a dangerous moment to be a proper noun within arm’s reach of the president.

Beneath the absurdity is the familiar contempt. A state is home to people, to generations of history and overlapping cultures. Its name belongs to that history. Yet here comes a man treating it as a distressed hotel acquisition, certain that the residents’ lives will improve once he’s had a chance to fiddle with the entrance.

A family trying to afford a home needs something more substantial than the president discovering the replace function. A worker waiting for higher pay needs money that can survive contact with a checking account. You can’t pay the electric bill with the stirring news that your state now sounds like a discount fireworks warehouse.

But I do think he should be allowed to demonstrate his theory before imposing it on anyone else. Let him take his next medical bill, cross out the amount, and write HEALTH. Then he can rename his golf score TWO, his approval rating EVERYBODY, and his next subpoena FAN MAIL. If all three work, New Mexico can reconsider.

Until then, somebody please put the map on the refrigerator. He can have it back after his nap.