Welcome to Tariff Circus: Where the Clowns Set Global Trade Policy

Brought to you by the fine folks who think “goated” is a verb.

Ladies and gentlemen, gather ‘round. You’ve paid for the whole seat, but you’ll only need the edge, because this week, the Trump administration launched a full-blown economic kamikaze stunt disguised as trade policy. Or performance art. Or a live-action adaptation of Idiocracy. Hard to tell.

It started with a midnight drop on Truth Social, a kind of drunk-text-from-a-toxic-ex moment, where Trump casually announced the largest tariff hike in modern U.S. history, 125% on Chinese goods. Effective immediately. No prep, no plan, just a spicy little chaos grenade tossed into the global economy.

Plot twist! Hours later, with the poise of a guy trying to hide a fart in church, Trump “paused” the very tariffs he just declared, after denying he would ever consider such a pause. Enter White House Press Secretary Caroline Leavitt, whose job now apparently includes gaslighting the laws of physics. She marched up to the podium with a straight face and proclaimed, “This is the art of the deal. You just don’t get it.”

Ma’am. We got it. We just didn’t think we’d need a hazmat suit for it.

Next came Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, a man who delivers economic commentary with the charisma of a wax statue malfunctioning in the sun. He applauded Trump’s bravery for “staying the course” for all of… three hours? Four? Honestly, we’ve had delivery pizza with more resolve.

Scott then informed us that countries who didn’t retaliate would be “rewarded” with a mere 10% tariff. A policy so generous, it’s like being spared the guillotine and handed a rusty axe instead.

And just to add a little seasoning to the absurdity stew, Bessent proudly declared that Trump had “goed” China into this outcome. Yes. “Goed.” As in, someone handed this man a thesaurus and he said, No thanks, I’ll just freestyle.

This isn’t “tough diplomacy.” This is economic Whac-A-Mole with the world’s supply chains. It’s as if a toddler got ahold of the remote control for international trade and thought every button made the “winning” noise.

Meanwhile, foreign governments are yanking products from U.S. shelves, businesses are scrapping expansion plans, and allies are openly discussing how to decouple from America’s now-lunatic economy and erratic leadership. But sure, tell us more about how 75 countries called the U.S. like high school crushes begging for attention. If someone lights your house on fire and then asks you to negotiate rent, that’s not diplomacy, it’s arson with a PowerPoint.

This is a strategic self-immolation with a spray tan and a teleprompter.

If this were a Simpsons episode, it would end with Lisa trying to explain monetary policy while Homer, playing Trump, accidentally nukes the Fed with a golf cart. If it were a South Park arc, it would be called “The Art of the Squeal,” featuring Bessent and Leavitt dressed as Renaissance jesters trying to explain how destabilizing global markets is actually good if you clap hard enough.

But it’s not satire. It’s real life. And it's being carried out by people who think a tariff war is a cute little pillow fight between brands.

So here we are, trust shattered, markets spooked, and a commander-in-cheat who thinks "economic diplomacy" means punching everyone and seeing who says "thank you."

Let’s just call it what it is, a kakistocracy!