The War Department of Delusion

At Quantico, Hegseth preached culture war, Trump fantasized about empire, and America’s generals sat through a spectacle that humiliated the nation on the world stage.

The Quantico gathering of America’s top generals was billed as a strategic convocation, but in practice it played out like a MAGA pep rally disguised in uniform. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth opened the spectacle with a performance that set the tone: a speech dripping with insecurity masquerading as bravado. He announced the “death” of the Department of Defense — from now on, it would be called the War Department, because apparently “defense” is too timid a word for men who equate masculinity with muzzle velocity.

Hegseth declared the military’s sole mission is “war fighting,” not diplomacy, not deterrence, not stability, but perpetual preparation for combat. He peppered this with catchphrases that sound like they belong on bumper stickers for militia cosplay: “F.A.F.O.” (his polite way of saying “fuck around and find out”), and a Golden Rule that boils down to “fight wars the way I’d want my own son to fight them.” He bragged about ending “the woke department,” railing against “dudes in dresses” and “climate change worship,” while promising to restore the male-only standards of 1990.

And then came the real theater: his fixation on weight, beards, and workout routines. “Frankly, it’s tiring to look out at combat formations, or really any formation, and see fat troops,” he sniffed, adding that “it’s completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals in the halls of the Pentagon.”