The Grass Man Cometh

Trump turns DC into a golf course, invents $17 trillion, and ends wars that never happened, all before dessert.

Donald Trump held a press event, if you can call it that, with law enforcement outside the White House. What unfolded was less “strong leader restoring order” and more “delirious country club bore hijacking karaoke night.” Trump rambled, boasted, and invented entire economic systems on the spot, all while revealing that his true vision for America is… landscaping.

“I know more about grass than any human being, I think, anywhere in the world,” he declared, in case you were wondering who the true green thumb of the Republic might be. The man who turned the White House Rose Garden into a concrete Mar-a-Lago imitation now wants to re-sod Washington’s parks with Augusta National–grade turf. “Grass has a life,” he lectured. “The grass here died about 40 years ago.” Forget crime, inflation, or foreign wars, the true national crisis is expired lawn clippings.

Not content with botany, Trump also invented a new branch of economics.

“We came back with 5.1 trillion dollars of investment… and we’re over 17 trillion now,” he announced, casually conjuring numbers that dwarf the GDP of China, the EU, and Jupiter combined. “Nobody knows what it means,” he admitted, a rare, fleeting moment of truth. He then assured the crowd, “We’re building plants, auto plants, AI plants, all sorts of plants all over the country,” as though he were Johnny Appleseed of heavy industry. And to make sure the math stayed extra magical, he added: “If we did one trillion in a year… we’re talking about over a five-month period, maybe six months… over 17 trillion dollars.”

Seventeen trillion in half a year. From where? Trump insisted Saudi Arabia, Qatar, and NATO were all pooling their GDPs in tribute to him, casually mixing Middle Eastern monarchies with European defense treaties like ingredients in a half-baked stew. “They’re not putting up 2%,” he bragged, “they’re putting up 5% of GDP… that’s a lot of money… trillions of dollars.” For the record, Qatar’s GDP is about $140 billion, not “trillions.” But hey, who’s counting when you can just make up numbers and shout “trillion with a T”?

Trump also claimed victory over crime in DC: “I’ve never received so many phone calls… People hadn’t gone to a restaurant in literally four years… Now one of them said he’s gone out four nights in a row.” According to Trump, Washington was a post-apocalyptic hellscape until last Tuesday, when he personally unleashed the National Guard and liberated the city’s dinner reservations. He painted himself as a one-man OpenTable app, boasting, “They said we just couldn’t stand it, sir… and now I take my wife and my kids to dinner.” He even promised, “Within two weeks… it’s going to be at a level that’s even far superior.”

In Trumpworld, the streets flow with steakhouse bookings and grateful tears. Reality check: DC crime had already been trending down, and polls show a majority of residents feel less safe with Trump’s militarized patrols. But never mind the data, Trump insists, “Everybody feels safe now. And they’re all coming in. People are now coming in, they’re making reservations to come in. They want to be in Washington DC.”

And of course, no Trump tale is complete without the magical telephone chorus. He claims the airwaves are jammed with grateful citizens calling him directly: “Sir, thank you, sir, you saved my life, sir. I can finally take my wife to dinner, sir.” According to Trump, he’s not just president, he’s America’s 1-800 hotline, fielding sobbing calls from DC diners, NATO prime ministers, and possibly even the grass itself. In Trump’s universe, the switchboard never stops ringing, every voice trembling with gratitude that he, personally, has resurrected their restaurant reservations and their lawns.

Somewhere in South Dakota, a glue factory wept. Trump, eyes sparkling like a man describing a Kentucky Derby betting slip, doubled down: “And where’s my Christy? You’re dear. Thank you very much. She’s been incredible.” Earlier he’d gushed that she could “rip those horses around” like a rodeo queen, as if her horsemanship were a qualification for national office. For a moment, it sounded less like a presidential address and more like an announcer at a county fair.

Trump bragged, “We ended seven wars. Probably more than that… it could have been 10.” He’s now up to double-digit wars, most of which he invented on the spot. “They wrote an article,” he explained, “and they gave me three additional ones that I ended without even knowing it.” Yes, in Trump’s world he ends wars accidentally, like forgetting you left the oven on.

He went on: “I saw things were going bad. And it looked like it was going to go bad. And it could have been, could have been 10.” The logic is dizzying: if something looked like it might go bad, and then Trump didn’t do anything about it, that counts as ending a war. By that measure, he should probably take credit for ending the Peloponnesian War too.

Somewhere, a Nobel Peace Prize committee chair choked on his tea. In Trump’s telling, he deserves the medal for shutting down not just real conflicts but imaginary ones, wars that existed only in his head until he heroically “ended” them.

Trump couldn’t resist bashing renewable energy: “They’re not fired by wind, by the way, because wind doesn’t work.” He added, “We won’t say that”, right before saying exactly that. He doubled down: “It destroys everything. It looks terrible. It’s a very expensive form of energy. And we’re not doing wind.” The man who once claimed windmills cause cancer now believes they are personally out to ruin America’s skyline.

Just to drive it home, he reassured his audience: “We’re going back to fossil fuel. I hope not too many of you people are going to be upset, but we have to go back to what works. We can’t be foolish.” Translation: no more silly experiments with 21st-century energy when we can relive 1955.

Meanwhile, the rest of the world builds wind farms while Trump gifts fossil fuel plants to billionaires like they’re party favors. In Trump’s America, wind doesn’t fire, doesn’t work, “looks terrible,” and somehow “destroys everything”, except his own credibility, which went up in smoke years ago.

And of course, he couldn’t resist lying about his fraud case: “They stole $550 million from me with a fake case and it was overturned.” Fact check: the New York appellate court confirmed he did commit fraud. The only thing overturned was the size of the penalty. Trump is still banned from running a business in New York, which, by any definition, is not “a nice victory.”

In short, Trump turned what should have been a serious law enforcement briefing into a rambling open-mic night. He promised grass miracles, invented trillions of dollars, bragged about wars that never happened, praised Kristi Noem’s horsemanship, and lied about fraud. And to top it off, he offered everyone hamburgers from the White House kitchen, because nothing says “serious governance” like fast food and fantasy GDP figures.

When Trump says he’s “making Washington DC great again,” what he really means is: it’ll look like one of his golf courses, it’ll run on fossil fuels, and the crime stats will be as real as his $17 trillion.