The Grass Man Cometh
Trump turns DC into a golf course, invents $17 trillion, and ends wars that never happened, all before dessert.
Donald Trump held a press event, if you can call it that, with law enforcement outside the White House. What unfolded was less “strong leader restoring order” and more “delirious country club bore hijacking karaoke night.” Trump rambled, boasted, and invented entire economic systems on the spot, all while revealing that his true vision for America is… landscaping.
“I know more about grass than any human being, I think, anywhere in the world,” he declared, in case you were wondering who the true green thumb of the Republic might be. The man who turned the White House Rose Garden into a concrete Mar-a-Lago imitation now wants to re-sod Washington’s parks with Augusta National–grade turf. “Grass has a life,” he lectured. “The grass here died about 40 years ago.” Forget crime, inflation, or foreign wars, the true national crisis is expired lawn clippings.
Not content with botany, Trump also invented a new branch of economics.
