Tariffs, Trays, and Treasonous Shrimp Holders

The Week America got taxed for chicken packaging and mortality was cured by Pam Bondi

Good morning! It’s Friday in America, and if you were hoping for a smooth end to the week, I regret to inform you: the shrimp tray has entered the chat. Yes, Donald Trump’s economic wrecking ball finally collided with the real world this morning, as millions of Americans woke up to find that their favorite cheap goods, from Temu socks to egg cartons, are now luxury items, courtesy of a presidentially imposed tax masquerading as patriotic policy.

At exactly 12:01 AM, the de minimis exemption died. Once a little-known provision that allowed goods under $800 to sneak into the country duty-free, it had become the lifeblood of modern low-cost e-commerce. Now it’s been slaughtered on the altar of MAGA protectionism. The result? Tariffs as high as 145% on nearly everything made in China, and that’s a long list, including most of the packaging used to get your groceries to the shelf.

Need a new spatula? It’s now triple the price. Want to buy socks without remortgaging your cat? Good luck. And don’t even talk to me about the egg carton. That innocent-looking foam vessel is now a symbol of international betrayal. You thought you were just buying a dozen eggs. Turns out, you were undermining American sovereignty with your treasonous omelet habits. Now, Trump can blame China instead of Biden for the price of eggs.

But the real kicker? These tariffs weren’t debated in Congress. They weren’t passed as law. They were declared under the International Emergency Economic Powers Act because, apparently, your Temu nail clippers now represent a national security threat.

Which brings us to Senator Rand Paul, who, in a moment of startling clarity and constitutional consistency, took to the Senate floor to call it what it is: taxation without representation. Paul invoked Magna Carta, James Otis, and even warned that emergency declarations could one day be used to ban gas-powered cars. (And somewhere, a climate activist quietly said, “Promise?”)

But Paul’s deeper point landed hard: Congress has become a non-entity, willingly surrendering its power to tax, to legislate, and to even hold a vote. The House GOP has gotten so creative with procedural gymnastics that they now claim “legislative days no longer exist.” Which is great news for anyone who wants to live in a dictatorship but with a slightly worse internet.

Meanwhile, back at the clown car known as DOGE, the Elon Musk cleanup effort continues. Musk defenders are still spinning his mass data purges and bizarre tech misfires as visionary disruption, but the truth smells more like Enron with better memes. Maurici Vinton’s whistleblower testimony describes DOGE officials smashing laptops, erasing data, and conducting loyalty tests with the subtlety of a Stalinist bake-off. And while the IT world screams, Musk is on Fox News complaining that the real scandal is… the government won’t show him a panda.

“There’s not even one panda,” Musk said, pouting through Jesse Watters’ smirk. “I want to see a baby panda.”

Well, Elon, so do we. But unfortunately, they’re all busy trying to avoid habitat loss caused by your deep-sea mining contracts.

Elsewhere in the carnival of grift: Cash Patel, Trump’s pick to run the FBI, was quietly paid $25,000 to appear in and executive produce a MAGA propaganda documentary. The producer? A Ukrainian-American filmmaker with a cozy history of Putin-funded propaganda projects. Reporters traced the money to a now-notorious figure, Igor Lopatonok, who shouted “deep state!” when asked about the payment, because, of course, he did.

So let’s tally it up: the FBI director is a paid actor in a film funded by someone connected to Vladimir Putin’s presidential office. But sure, tell me more about Hunter Biden’s laptop.

And finally, just to round out the dystopia with a touch of farce: Pam Bondi took to NewsNation this week to declare that she and Donald Trump had personally saved 100,000 lives in the fight against fentanyl, or maybe it was 500,000, or 7 million, or 85 million. In a cabinet meeting, she’d settled confidently on 285 million lives saved, which, for those keeping score, is roughly 75% of the U.S. population. No one knows how she got that number. Not even Pam. But when you live in a world where tariffs make us rich, pandas are a currency of governance, and foam trays are foreign agents, why not throw in some Bondi-brand resurrection magic?

So, as we head into the weekend, just remember: the eggs cost more now because of China, the FBI is maybe a little bit Russian, Congress doesn’t believe in time, and the richest man in the world can’t stop crying about his panda.

Welcome to May.