Showers restored. Markets rigged. Democracy optional.

When corruption screams in all caps, and the markets clap back

Good morning. Let’s talk about the art of the grift. This week, Donald Trump may have executed what looks disturbingly like a textbook case of insider trading, only instead of pulling it off quietly with shell companies and burner phones, he did it in full view of the public while shouting “This is a GREAT TIME TO BUY” in all caps on Truth Social. That post dropped just before the market, which had been cratering under the weight of Trump’s unhinged tariff war, suddenly reversed course and surged upward.

It’s the kind of swing that would make any casual investor dizzy, but it made some traders filthy rich. Suspiciously well-timed options trades in major index funds like QQQ and SPY exploded in value, with at least one $1.3 million bet turning into $33 million in a matter of hours. Where did these market prophets come from? And more importantly, what did they know?

As it turns out, we may have already seen the dress rehearsal. On April 7, a post from the Walter Bloomberg X account hinted at a 90-day tariff pause. The market jumped. The rumor was quickly walked back, the gains erased. But insiders had taken note, and when Trump made it official days later, they were ready.

Did we just witness a pump-and-dump scheme on a national scale, executed in broad daylight, with the President of the United States playing hype man from the White House lawn, the same place he once hawked Teslas like a used car salesman?

Congressional Democrats are beginning to call it out for what it is. Senator Adam Schiff and Senator Elizabeth Warren are both demanding a formal investigation, citing concerns that Trump and his allies, possibly including members of his administration, traded on privileged knowledge while the public lost billions in retirement savings. And the evidence isn’t just circumstantial. Trump’s Treasury Secretary, Scott Bessent, openly admitted this chaos was “the strategy all along.” Translation: the American people were manipulated so insiders could profit. If that doesn’t scream corruption, I don’t know what does.

Representative Steven Horsford, for his part, ripped into Trump’s trade representative Jameson Greer in a House hearing yesterday, calling out the absurdity of Greer insisting, at that very moment, that there would be no tariff pause, even as Trump was already announcing one. Horsford, visibly furious, summed it up in one sentence: “This is not a game. This is real life.” For millions of working people watching their savings and college funds go up in smoke, it absolutely is.

This is reminiscent of the cold-hearted Enron traders joking about grandma losing her air conditioning while raking in millions of dollars.

So how are Republicans responding to all this? Not by demanding accountability, of course. Instead, they’ve introduced a bill to strip the federal judiciary of its ability to review executive agency actions. That's right, while the administration might be orchestrating a multi-trillion dollar wealth transfer under the cover of economic chaos, the GOP’s answer is to weaken the courts. Because nothing says “innocent” like dismantling the guardrails.

And because we can’t have a morning without a little comic relief, Elon Musk has once again put on his bathrobe and climbed into the culture war hot tub. In between reposting propaganda about Trump’s greatness, Musk proudly amplified a series of posts celebrating a new executive order to “Make America’s Showers Great Again.” Yes, we’re apparently still fighting the scourge of low-flow showerheads. According to Musk’s timeline, Trump has bravely ended the Obama-Biden war on water pressure, just in time for reruns of Seinfeld to be retroactively declared visionary prophecy.

While he was at it, Musk also reminded students that they can now get “SuperGrok” for free if they sign up with a .edu email. Because what better way to prepare for finals than by letting Musk’s AI tool harvest your data while spoon-feeding you whatever worldview the algorithm is currently favoring?

And as if that weren’t enough, he capped it all off with a quiet little repost celebrating the far-right AfD party becoming the largest party in Germany. No commentary, no nuance, just more normalization of extremism from the guy who once claimed to be above politics.

This is your daily reminder: we’re not just watching the collapse of public trust, we’re watching billionaires speed-run kleptocracy while laughing in our faces.

Stay alert. Stay hydrated. And maybe don’t trust the guy handing out shower memes during a financial heist.