Donald Trump hired Katie Zacharia as his new press secretary, and her first week went so well that it was also her last. Reporters were still trying to establish which parts of her résumé were nouns and which parts were wishes when the job disappeared.
In an ordinary administration, the press secretary explains what the government is doing. In this one, we must first determine what the press secretary has been doing, whether she was qualified to do it, and if any of it came with a complimentary shaker bottle.
Let’s begin with the legal credentials, which have turned out to require considerably more legal analysis than anyone expected. Zacharia really did earn a law degree from Pepperdine in 2011. She also acknowledged on Sean Hannity’s show Thursday that she did not pass the bar exam and never retook it. Trump nevertheless introduced her as an attorney when announcing her appointment.I’m going to
Failing an exam is a perfectly ordinary human experience. Turning the resulting professional status into a presidential scavenger hunt is where the trouble begins. Her explanation is that she consulted people in the legal field who assured her she could call herself a lawyer, while distinguishing that from being an attorney at law. She also described the bar results as “somewhat inconsequential” because she was moving to China.
I admire the administrative efficiency of declaring an exam inconsequential after failing it. I intend to try this with my mortgage. The payment was somewhat inconsequential because I was going to the garden center, where they don’t require a mortgage.
When reporters asked earlier this week where she had passed the bar, she responded that she had moved to China. As responses to a credentials question go, changing continents is certainly bold. Usually, when someone asks whether you have a driver’s license, “We spent three lovely years in Lisbon” doesn’t get you the school bus keys.
Then there’s Fix California, where her LinkedIn listed her as general counsel. WIRED reports that tax filings instead identified her as a fundraiser. That leaves a substantial question about what work she actually performed under the legal title.
General counsel and fundraiser are different jobs. One interprets the fine print; the other hopes you won’t read it before making a recurring donation. You cannot simply swap them because both occasionally involve asking a wealthy man to stop talking.
But the résumé has another branch, and this one comes with nutritional powder. Zacharia told WIRED she had promoted Beachbody products as an independent affiliate, including Shakeology. Her own description of the operation was “sort of a pyramid scheme.” The company, now BODi, confirmed her distributor role in 2013 and stressed that its current business has moved away from that structure.
There it is. The missing qualification. The transition from selling shakes through a multilevel marketing operation to explaining Donald Trump is almost suspiciously logical. Both require tremendous faith in the person at the top, a willingness to repeat extraordinary claims, and the ability to describe someone else’s financial success as an exciting opportunity for you.
I can already hear the imaginary briefing: Hey, girl! I know we haven’t talked since high school, but have you ever wanted to take control of your financial future by blaming the cost of groceries on Joe Biden?
You came for an answer about foreign policy, and now you’re in a private Facebook group called Freedom Fuel Founders, being told the real obstacle to prosperity is your negative mindset.
Her actual first briefing on Tuesday lasted about 14 minutes, with questions from just three reporters. I’ve spent longer trying to cancel a free trial. The difference is that the free trial usually has someone available to explain what I accidentally signed up for.
She later said she had received little preparation time and described the performance with the magnificent phrase “I effectuated the briefing.” Effectuated. That is a wonderful word to deploy when “answered the questions” is unavailable. I may use it the next time dinner goes badly. The chicken has been effectuated. Please open a window.
The hiring process helps explain how we arrived here. Zacharia said she monitored Trump’s social media posts, then discussed those subjects on television, hoping he would see her and recruit her. “I wanted to audition for it,” she explained. An audition. For the job of explaining the executive branch to the country.
Somewhere, a career communications professional has a graduate degree, twenty years of experience, and the terrible misfortune of having sent an application to Human Resources instead of performing directly into the president’s television.
And yes, Trump does seem to enjoy surrounding himself with young blonde women. His hiring process increasingly resembles a Fox News bridal party being assembled by a man who thinks a reference check means asking whether you’ve ever said something nice about him.
At this point, I suspect a perfectly qualified applicant could lose the job because the president thought she would clash with the curtains. The résumé may be aspirational, but the lighting must be correct. Of course, even succeeding at the audition doesn’t guarantee you will survive the pilot.
By Friday, Trump was publicly suggesting Zacharia might not remain in the job. He said he had told her, “I think you’re better off being happy,” and blamed unfair treatment by the press. Then The New York Times reported she had been fired after five days on the job. Fox News separately reported that she was “transitioning out” of the role.
She barely had time to locate the office stapler before Trump started speaking about her career like a man explaining why the family is taking a hamster back to Petco. Apparently the media has brutalized her by asking where she passed an exam, what her previous job involved, and whether she can answer questions at the job whose principal activity is answering questions.
She survived law school, failed the bar, and then got taken out by the search bar.
The larger problem is the man doing the hiring. Trump finds somebody flattering on television, declares her brilliant, and lets the rest of us discover the details after she has been issued a government microphone. When the questions become inconvenient, the person he just hired becomes somebody who would be happier somewhere else.
I am beginning to think the reference checks should run in the other direction. As career opportunities go, the one she sold herself turned out to have a five-day return policy.
Hey, girl! Have you ever dreamed of being your own former press secretary?
Thanks for the witty and humorous essay. A welcome respite! 🥰
I absolutely love your sense of humor. It lightens up what horror exists during the current administration.