Keystone Cops with Nukes

From the FBI’s Groucho Marx routine in Utah to Trump’s Senate conveyor belt of cronies, America’s institutions are being gutted and repurposed for the kakistocracy.

Good morning! Today’s dispatch is a little leaner than usual because I’ve been buried in a larger weekend piece, more on that soon. For now, think of this as the amuse-bouche before the main course: a brisk, sharp slice of the chaos we’re all marinating in.

We start in Utah, where the FBI has once again demonstrated its flair for slapstick policing. The shooting of Charlie Kirk, MAGA’s loudest youth pastor of hate, was always going to be spun into a morality play. What no one expected was that the Bureau would audition for the role of Keystone Cops. First, they misidentified the suspect not once, but twice. Then, thanks to Kash Patel and Dan Bongino, two podcasters cosplaying as law enforcement brass, they put out false statements about having “their guy” in custody, only to quietly release the poor soul hours later. For the grand finale, the ATF managed to confuse a common ammunition headstamp with a secret transgender-antifascist manifesto allegedly etched into bullets. The Wall Street Journal dutifully printed it, MAGA media had a field day, and then, oops, it turned out to be a manufacturer’s mark.

Why the farce? Because the adults have been fired. Patel personally axed Mehtab Syed, a Pakistani-American and the highly respected head of the Utah field office, a veteran counterterrorism agent who also happened to be both Muslim and female. Syed had led sensitive investigations since 9/11 and was known inside the Bureau as steady, professional, and competent, three qualities that apparently disqualified her under Trump’s “retribution” agenda. Along with other career officials forced out, she has now joined a lawsuit alleging unlawful firings and political retaliation. In their place, Trump installed MAGA influencers who treat law enforcement like a podcast set. The result: a Bureau that can’t tell a maker’s mark from hieroglyphics, stumbling through one of the most high-profile investigations in the country like Groucho Marx with a badge.

Meanwhile, the actual suspect, 22-year-old Tyler Robinson, was turned in by his own family. That’s right: after a nationwide manhunt, it was Dad who did the FBI’s job for them. Investigators now say Robinson told relatives Kirk was “full of hate” and scrawled “hey, fascist” onto at least one bullet before opening fire. It’s messy, it’s tragic, and it’s also a case study in how an incompetent Bureau and a disinformation ecosystem fuel each other’s failures. MAGA world had already cast the shooter as a trans leftist terrorist before Robinson’s name ever hit the wires. Once again, reality lagged well behind the narrative, and the damage was done.

While the FBI was fumbling in the dark, another story that should dominate headlines keeps breaking wide open. Bloomberg has gotten its hands on 18,000 of Jeffrey Epstein’s Yahoo emails, yes, Yahoo, and they are devastating. Ghislaine Maxwell, who swore under oath she cut ties in 2003, was coordinating Epstein’s affairs right through 2007 and 2008. The trove names Trump in contexts that pull him deeper into Epstein’s orbit, and it forced the UK to sack its ambassador to Washington, Peter Mandelson, after his correspondence with Epstein surfaced. Just imagine: Britain treats ties to Epstein as a national embarrassment requiring immediate dismissal. Here in America, the guy who hung around Epstein’s pool parties, flipped a Palm Beach mansion to a Russian oligarch, and staffed his cabinet with Epstein’s fixer is still sitting in the Oval Office. Priorities.

And then there’s the Senate, where Republicans went nuclear, again. They rewrote chamber rules so that Trump can now appoint as many cronies as he wants in giant en bloc votes. No limit, no deliberation, no oversight. By next week, nearly 150 nominees will be waved through, each one another cog in Trump’s machine of retribution and incompetence. Call it governance by conveyor belt, a kakistocracy on autopilot. Chuck Schumer warned this would lead to “historically bad nominees.” Translation: the foxes are not just in the henhouse, they’re about to be unionized, pensioned, and handed the deed.

Finally, a glimpse of what accountability could look like. In Brazil, people are literally dancing in the streets after Jair Bolsonaro was sentenced to 27 years for plotting a coup. Fireworks, rainbow flags, a parade called the “Victory of Democracy Procession.” Compare that to Trump slapping Brazil with tariffs and sanctions because his buddy got nailed. For Brazilians, September 11 now marks not just the memory of dictatorship and terror, but the rebirth of democracy. Someday, if the republic holds, Americans might have their own carnival of justice. For now, we’re stuck watching the FBI trip over its shoelaces.

Apologies again for the shorter roundup. Consider it a teaser. The big piece I’ve been chiseling away at, tying together the rot at the core of Trump’s empire and the systemic failures enabling it, should be ready this weekend. In the meantime, enjoy the spectacle of America’s premier law enforcement agency reenacting Duck Soup while democracy’s defenders in Brazil show us how the story is supposed to end.