Good Morning! Hide the Gold!
Given the sheer volume of waste, fraud, and abuse Elon Musk churns out daily, it’s a miracle he doesn’t have chronic gout, ethically, financially, and spiritually. But never fear, he’s got a cure: cut Medicare and Medicaid. Over the weekend, Musk reposted Dr. Oz’s Fox News sermon on government "fraud and waste," which is a bit like Jeff Bezos preaching against warehouse exploitation. The subtext was deafening: it’s open season on social programs. They want your Social Security, your healthcare, your dignity, and they’ll convince you it’s in the name of efficiency. Coming soon to a dystopia near you: privatized elder care by Optimus the humanoid robot, programmed by Musk and sold in six-week installments of patriotic suffering.
Meanwhile, in what can only be described as a masterclass in banana republic governance, federal prosecutor Adam Schleifer was fired mid-investigation of FAT Brands CEO Andrew Wiederhorn. His crime? Attempting to prosecute a Trump-friendly executive. According to reports, the firing was executed “on behalf of President Donald J. Trump.” And just like that, the case was dropped. One minute you're chasing corporate crime, the next you're chasing job listings on LinkedIn. Accountability is dead, and it didn’t even get a funeral, just a corporate buyout and a Truth Social post.
Not to be outdone, our European allies are beginning to treat the United States the way you treat a shady cousin at Thanksgiving: smile politely, hide the silverware. Germany is now considering pulling 1,200 tons of gold out of the U.S. because, and this part is delicious, they no longer trust Trump or Musk to keep it safe. Picture it: a convoy of armored ships, aerial surveillance, and possibly Liam Neeson narrating. Because when the White House is occupied by a man who keeps saying, “Let’s livestream Fort Knox,” you might reasonably wonder if the vault has been turned into a gold-plated golf simulator.
Of course, for those of us without offshore bullion to retrieve, the pain is far more tangible. Trump’s tariffs, his glorious “Liberation Day” gift to the American worker, have begun rippling through the economy like a chainsaw through imported brie. Coffee, cheese, seafood, toilet paper… all climbing in price as supply chains buckle under the weight of idiotic nationalism. Want a $9 latte and a $12 roll of Charmin? Hang tight. The second wave of tariffs kicks in this week, with China expected to retaliate faster than you can say “strategic soybean reserve.”
But if you’re looking for hope, or at least a cathartic roar, the people delivered. The Hands Off! protests this weekend drew millions across the country, dwarfing Trump’s 2017 inauguration crowd (which he still insists was the largest in history, despite the photographic evidence and our functioning eyes). Washington, D.C. alone saw crowds topping 100,000. New York City matched. Cities large and small poured into the streets to say, “We see you, and hell no.” Compared to Trump's coronation-lite affair back in January, the contrast couldn’t be clearer: the resistance is bigger, louder, and vastly more sincere.
So here we are. The gold's not safe, the prosecutors are getting canned, your groceries are getting pricier, and Medicare's about to be handed off to the Wizard of Oz. But the people are rising, and that, at least, is real.