Dictators, Crosswalks, and Pronouns: Welcome to Monday
From Trump’s tantrum over Greenlanders and CBS to Musk’s 8-million-gallon refinery in a drought zone, the absurdity is relentless—and so is the repression.
Good morning. The week begins with a masterclass in authoritarian projection, xenophobic diplomacy, tariff chaos, and billionaire delusion, all delivered with the sincerity of a “Trump wins his own golf tournaments” press release.
At the White House today, President Trump rolls out the red carpet for Nayib Bukele, the self-proclaimed “world’s coolest dictator” and now the U.S. administration’s favorite partner in mass deportation theater. Bukele is riding high on slickly choreographed deportation videos and a mega prison that holds tens of thousands under a state of emergency with no trial, exactly the kind of optics the MAGA machine thrives on. He’s being treated as a model leader for one reason: he does what Trump says.
Meanwhile, Kilmar Abrego Garcia, a Maryland father wrongly deported to El Salvador under Trump’s revival of the 1798 Alien Enemies Act, remains imprisoned at Bukele’s notorious CECOT mega prison despite a Supreme Court order to bring him home. The Department of Justice now claims that only the president can act, and that the courts have “no authority” to force El Salvador to comply. Convenient timing, isn’t it, when the president happens to be entertaining the man who could release him?
One person who probably won’t be in the press pool covering today’s Oval Office photo op? Any journalist whose email signature includes their pronouns. That’s because the Trump administration has quietly banned such reporters from White House access. Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt defended the move, claiming “It is imperative that credentialed journalists reflect the views of the American people, not fringe ideology,” adding that pronouns in a signature “constitute an overt political statement.” You heard that right: acknowledging someone’s identity is now an act of subversion against the state.
But repression is best served with a side of retaliation. Trump took to Truth Social this weekend to unleash a furious tirade against CBS and 60 Minutes for airing segments on Ukraine and Greenland. He demanded the FCC strip CBS of its broadcast license and accused the network of “illegal behavior” and being a “dishonest Political Operative.” What exactly triggered this tantrum? Greenlanders dared to express offense at Trump’s declaration that the U.S. would acquire their country “one way or another.” Said Inuit elder Aqqaluk Lynge, “We all noticed that in Greenland. All of us.” Add them to the list of foreign democracies Trump would rather silence than listen to, right next to Ukraine’s Zelenskyy, who had the audacity to call out Trump’s parroting of Kremlin propaganda.
The war on truth has real casualties. Just ask Lt. Col. Jo Ellis, a transgender military pilot who filed a defamation lawsuit last week after right-wing influencer Matt Wallace falsely claimed she was behind the helicopter crash that killed 67 near D.C. The lie went viral, driven by posts misgendering Ellis and labeling her part of a “trans terror attack.” In reality, Ellis had nothing to do with the incident, she was alive, well, and nowhere near the crash. But facts didn’t stop the threats, the doxing, or the need for armed security. “It’s become too common that people can say horrible things about someone, profit at their expense, and get away with it,” Ellis said. She’s suing not just for herself, but to make an example of the disinformation economy that’s erasing lives for clicks.
On the trade front, Trump’s economic policy continues its chaotic ballet. After announcing 125% tariffs on Chinese goods, including phones and computers, the administration reversed course Friday with a surprise exemption, only to reassert Sunday that these products will face different tariffs soon, tied to semiconductors. “Nobody is getting off the hook,” Trump posted, fresh off his golf round, assuring the nation that Apple and other companies will simply be shifted to a “different tariff bucket.” Meanwhile, Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick confirmed that a new investigation is being launched that could impose more permanent, product-specific levies, likely around 25%. Markets have responded with all the enthusiasm of a wet circuit board.
And speaking of short circuits, several Bay Area crosswalks were hacked over the weekend to play AI-generated voices of Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg. At least a dozen intersections were affected, startling pedestrians with eerily chipper messages like, “Hi, I’m Elon Musk, welcome to Palo Alto,” and, “This is OK to have AI, we’re going to have it anyway.” Local officials are calling it a public safety issue. Others are calling it performance art. Either way, it's hard to think of a more perfect metaphor for our current reality than being interrupted on your way to the grocery store by a sidewalk pep talk from a synthetic Zuck.
Musk, for his part, is now facing backlash over his nearly-complete lithium refinery outside Corpus Christi, Texas, an industrial monstrosity expected to consume up to 8 million gallons of water a day in one of the most drought-stricken regions in the U.S. Locals are told to take shorter showers while Tesla, lacking a final water contract, barrels ahead. It’s about as practical as building mining infrastructure on Mars, and just as considerate.
And finally, Trump’s latest physical exam is in. Navy Capt. Sean Barbabella declares the oldest man ever elected president “fully fit,” citing improved cholesterol, a 20-pound weight loss, and a resting heart rate of 62. Trump, of course, praised the results himself: “Good heart. Good soul. Very good soul.” He also noted that he aced his cognitive test again, presumably still proud of recalling “Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.” No word on whether the test now includes identifying foreign leaders, basic geography, or moral consistency.
That’s all for today. Try to stay hydrated, unlike South Texas. And if you’re headed to a crosswalk in Palo Alto, maybe bring headphones.